Castles in the Sand

Some days, the sun shines brightly and the birds sing, performing a symphony for anyone who will take the time to listen. Other days, the skies grow dark and the rain pours in sheets. The thing I’ve noticed is that the birds still sing in the rain.


Coming from the hot, dry climate of Northern California where temperatures in the summer (May-October) soar upwards of 100 degrees regularly, I can honestly say that I've always loved the rain. The city I hail from has an average of 249 sunny days, with only 52 days of rain each year, according to one source. In other words, rain was a rare treat and I loved every moment of it. I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest for almost three years now, and I will make the bold claim that I truly never grow tired of the rain. True, the darkness of the skies can get old after a while, but I see beauty in the abundance of brilliant green grasses and the clinging moss that finds its way onto most surfaces. To me, the darkness is worth it. Rain causes growth and it helps me to appreciate the sun more – something that I took for granted while living in California. I don’t mean to be cliché, but it seems like those vastly different weather patterns reflect what’s going on inside my heart.

Lately, I’ve been meeting a friend in a local coffee shop each week to discuss sharing the Gospel. Last week, we addressed the issue of suffering by asking the common question, “Why would a good God allow suffering?” If I’m honest, the question was as much for me as it might be for a hypothetical unbeliever wrestling with the issue. As you know, my husband and I lost our baby at eight weeks last September, and it feels like we’ve been under the weight of trial after trial since. I have biblical truths that I hold firm to during the pain and struggle, but sometimes my belief is shaky at best – something I believe with my head, but not with my heart.

By now, it seems that I can get through most days with a positive attitude, but there is still a great sorrow in my heart as I ache for that little one that I should have delivered earlier this month. Without going in to detail, our budget is so tight I feel like we’re being strangled slowly. There are also things of a darker nature in my heart that I try so desperately to conceal. On mornings like these, when the sky is dark and the rain pours outside my window, I stop to think and it all comes rushing back. I’m so angry. I’m so tired of hearing other happy pregnant moms talk about how hard it is to be pregnant. I want to rail at them and at God, just to remind them that I remember what it’s like to be sick, to feel a million foreign aches in my body as my baby grew, to feel so tired I didn’t want to move, to crave roasted red peppers and sushi, and to have to use the bathroom excessively. I also remember vividly the horrors of delivering that little one far too soon and the emptiness in my body for the next several weeks afterward.

It’s easy to look at God and ask Him why. Why would He take our baby? Why won’t He give us another? Why doesn’t He just make life a little easier on us so that we have enough money to keep basic staples in our pantry? Why can’t our cars just work properly for a few weeks? Doesn’t He care? Does He see how hard I’m trying to make this all work?

The answer is simple. Yes. Yes, He sees. He is the God who sees me (Genesis 16:3). God is not indifferent. He, being rich in love and mercy, hurts with me (John 11:33-36). He is not a cruel God toying with human experiments, but a loving Father. He CARES. I am not His victim. My anger and cynicism were not created by this thing He allowed. They were there all along. Glen Scrivener describes this as “Hell in our hearts,” and to that I say amen! If I had not experienced this, I would not have had my sin exposed. There was anger and rebellion pent up in my heart, waiting to pounce on God the moment something in life stopped going my way. This morning, I wept as I thought of this. I asked out loud, “How could You love me, God? You knew I was angry. You knew I’d blame You even though You’ve been so good to me.” In the turbulence of my thoughts, I realized that He loved me when I was a comfortable little hypocrite, trusting in my works, knowing that I have always been a “good girl” and building foolish castles in the sand and painting white picket fences in the sunset. He tore me asunder and exposed what was already inside me as His waves crashed over me, sweeping away my idols and dreams as He taught me a deeper love for and reliance upon Him. As my heart draws closer to Him, I am reminded that this is not the first time He has brought forth life from death!

My dreams, however justified, are nothing if they are in the way of my Savior’s glory. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “It would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” My dreams are filled with self. I want things that make life comfortable as I cozy up to a broken, fallen world that is coming to a sure end. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that my desire for a child is wrong, but my dependence upon having one for my own happiness and self-fulfillment is. God, rather than patching up my brokenness and allowing my stinking, festering attitude inside to spread while catering to my whims, has wrenched me apart and exposed the disease inside so that He might bring healing.

It hurts endlessly, but He is good. He has brought life to the dry bones of my apathy. It is painful to be refined by God, but it is good and His love and care are evident daily as He surrounds me with people who extend His love and grace to me daily. I am sorrowful, yet always rejoicing (2 Cor. 6:10), filled with hope as I set my gaze upon Christ. He satisfies me. Even through the storms, I can praise Him for what He is accomplishing. He washes and refreshes me as He brings forth growth. He fills my heart with new dreams, with better dreams. His mercy and grace, like the sunshine, are so much more real to me now that I have known the rain.

”Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”Philippians 3:8-11

I'm Not There Yet

I’m okay, but I’m less than an inch from not being okay at all. I can’t bear another pregnancy announcement or baby bump photo on social media. It’s no one’s fault that this happened to me, and it’s no one’s fault that they get to be happy while I have to process through the grief and loss of my child. God allowed me to lose my little one, but I still trust Him. He is good and He is using this tragedy to draw me closer to Him. I have to remind myself of this daily, but I’d be lying if I said that I’m not still struggling.

It has been less than six months, and the pain of losing my baby comes and goes in waves. I feel fine, but not really. I hate to admit it, but I hide almost every baby photo that pops up in my news feed on facebook because it literally hurts inside my chest when I see those happy mamas with their sweet babies. I want to be happy for them, but I can’t quite bring myself to that point. Truthfully, I want to be pregnant more than anything, but instead I just feel empty inside and irreparably broken. Maybe this is wrong and maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, but I don’t know how to work though this without being honest and up front about where I’m at.

For the most part, I feel normal, but I have to stay distracted. I’m okay if I think about something else. Lately I’ve taken to living in this strange dream world inside my mind, where I’m constantly crafting stories and imagining scenarios that I could write in a novel one day – scenarios that are very different from my own. I love the life God has given me, and yet, sometimes I just don’t want to be me anymore. It may not be the correct way to work through the pain, but it keeps me from dwelling in hopelessness.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I still haven’t figured this out. 

Let Light Shine Out Of Darkness

     Last night, I had the darkest dream. I won’t go in to specifics, but I dreamed of pain, death, and horror. I woke with a racing heart and an anxious mind. Every single day has been a roller coaster of emotion. One moment, I’m flying to the very peak with a heart full of joy. Moments later, I come crashing down to the depths of pain and despair. It’s a hard thing to explain, and harder to share publically as I fear that my openness will be mistaken as a plea for pity. These past three months have been the most difficult I’ve faced in my entire life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot rid myself of the pain. Losing our child, uncertainty of the future, and nearly constant financial distress have come together to form a monstrous cloud of darkness that threatens to destroy me.

     I’ve tried to let go of my fear, I’ve tried to rid myself of bitterness, I’ve tried to let others help me, I’ve tried to distract myself in the pursuit of the things I love most, but the truth of it all continually gnaws at the back of my mind. All of these things help tremendously at times, and not at all in others. It’s silly, really. I cannot even give my anxieties to God without His help. My weak hands are powerless to surrender my cares to the God who created everything from my fragile human heart to the constellations and galaxies millions of miles away.

     Sometimes, I blame myself. I know that I did what I shouldn’t have, or that I didn’t do what I should have. Surely God is punishing me for my sins. My friends, I cannot begin to express how convincing this lie can be! I went to bed last night believing this lie with all my heart. I hated myself completely. The darkness would not relent, and I almost let it win.

     When I woke from my dream, I wanted to cry. I wanted to do something destructive to myself. Instead, in the quietness, the Holy Spirit helped me to know exactly what I needed to do. I prayed. Fiercely. I prayed until I fell asleep. Honestly, I don’t even know what I prayed. Thankfully, I know that Jesus is at the right hand of the Father interceding for me, praying for me in ways that I could never imagine, pleading with God to give me the strength to keep going just a little longer.

     This morning, I woke with more joy than I’ve experienced for a long time. My heart soared to the heights with the truths of the Gospel and the love of my Savior. I couldn’t wait to sit down and dig into His life-giving Word. When I started, I couldn’t stop. His Word is so sweet! I kept reading until my cup of coffee became cold as it sat forlornly on the coffee table, waiting for me to drink it. When I finally finished, I warmed it up in the microwave again and took a sip. My mom called and talked to me for a while. I confessed to her how I had been feeling. She prayed with me, pleading with God to sustain and encourage us in our trials. After I hung up, I suddenly felt an aching desire to pull out my guitar and sing. I cannot tell you how good it was to worship my God! I just couldn’t stop. Forty-five minutes later when I finished, I realized that my coffee had grown cold again. I had to heat it up once more, only to realize that I needed to WRITE to tell you all about how GOOD our Savior is! As I’m writing this, I can promise you that my poor cup of coffee has once again grown cold.

     The coffee is a lot like my heart. One minute, I’m on fire. I feel like I could rage and burn with a passion to make Jesus known to everyone I meet. The next, I’ve grown cold again as I’ve slipped away from my life giving heat source once more. I am writing this to you today not to share my sorrows, but to share my joy. If I can encourage you in anything, I ask you to draw near to your Savior (James 4:8). Life is unbelievably hard. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, run far away from them. Our world is broken and pain, sorrow, and struggles are real. If we do not lean on Jesus for strength to endure, we will fall into despair. Cry out to Him! He’ll give just enough to keep going, to keep trusting Him. He is good and His love is sweet (Psalm 34:8). This life is so short, but eternity is forever. Truthfully, we can’t do this, but He can (Zech. 4:6).

Oh Lord, may I find rest in You!

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:6-11 ESV.

Those Who Have Walked in Darkness Have Seen a Great Light

   
 Two months have passed and I already feel like it’s not okay to cry anymore. I’m not allowed to talk about it.

     This last September, my precious baby went home to be with Jesus. The time has passed slowly since. Every day, I struggle to push the pain aside and continue on with my life. My heart aches to hold the little person I know I’ll never meet this side of heaven. I want so badly to know who he or she was. That tiny human being, just barely the size of a pecan, already had a unique identity. I’ll never get to see that little person bloom into the person he or she was created to be. I wish I could look down and see the little bulge in my tummy that ought to be showing by now, but it’s not there.

     I don’t understand why, but it feels as though my hurt is supposed to magically be gone. No one has really said it, but I know people get tired of hearing about it. Miscarriages happen all the time, after all.

     I’m tired of acting like I’m perfectly happy when I see other women at church affectionately rubbing their baby bumps. I’m so sick of pregnancy announcements on social media. Sometimes, I want to scream at people, “Just stop! It HURTS.” I wish I could turn off the ache in my heart, but it just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes I’m angry at the world. Sometimes I question God in His infinite wisdom. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Questions and accusations continually fight for my joy and try to rob the assurance I have in a loving Savior.

     There is one thing that I do know. God is good, and He is sovereign over everything. Yes, He let this happen. Bad things happen not because our God is cruel or unjust, but because we live in a broken, fallen world in which senseless death occurs. Inside, I have a heart that is twisted and bent toward evil. No, I didn’t do some great evil to bring God’s wrath and punishment upon my baby, but I am a part of the brokenness of this world. I do know that God has used this suffering to draw me to Himself, and His grace on me is more than I’ll ever comprehend. That He could die for me, knowing that I could still question His love for me is more than I can fathom.

     I could have never known the awesome, real embrace of my Heavenly Father so intimately if I had continued to live in my self-serving blissful existence. He has extended a raw, intense love through His people and through His Word that I would have never felt in any other way. I still don’t know why this happened, but I know that through it, God has brought me into a unique place that I would have never known otherwise. There is no guarantee that this won’t happen again, but I trust Him. No matter what happens, no matter how dark the days become, my hope is in God.

Father, Break My Heart

“Father, break my heart.”

     It seems like a strange thing to say. I’m not a person who delights in pain and suffering, but sometimes I find that I get caught up in my own agenda and wrapped up in my own efforts. This causes constant frustration and anxiety, and I hate it. You see, Jesus Christ is the sole reason I exist. Without Him—without His incredible grace in my life, I would have drowned long ago in my own miserable self-pity. I cannot function in this world without utter dependence upon Him, but sometimes I simply forget.

     My life and any pain I might experience may seem laughable to most. It’s true, I have never had to scrounge in a dumpster for a meal, I have always had a comfortable place to sleep and clothes on my back, and I haven’t lost anyone precious to me recently. Even so, there are times where I sink into such desperation and hurt that I simply cannot keep going. All motivation to do anything is stripped away, and I feel like just collapsing on the floor and never moving again. Proverbs 14:10 agrees, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.” These are the times that I need most to remind myself of the truth of my Savior’s love. In these times, I have experienced the deepest bitterness, but I have also known the sweetness of being broken before God. Sometimes, I have to cry out to Him and beg Him to take away my meaninglessness, because I just can’t do it on my own.

     No matter how hard I work, how hard I try to make my life have purpose through the things I do, I CAN’T. The sweetest prayers of desperation have come to me when my heart was at its hardest. One time after a particularly long dry season, I stood with the congregation at my church as we sang, “Lord, now indeed I find Thy power and Thine alone can change the leper’s spots and melt the heart of stone.” I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth, but the words “Lord, break my heart” echoed through my head as tears stained my cheeks. It’s easy to forget how dependent I am upon God for my every breath when I have more than I could ever want at my fingertips. Friends, I want to remind you (and myself) that we exist to bring glory to God. There is such glorious joy and truth in this statement! When we realize this, we can live in total satisfaction, knowing that we can praise God in every tiny thing we do in our everyday lives. Nothing is so trivial that it escapes His notice, and nothing is so insignificant that we cannot bring glory to God in it. Find your joy in Christ, and if you’re reading this, please remind me to do the same.

"As Christ Loved the Church..."

Has anyone else noticed the current trend within the church that encourages us to essentially hate and write off the Church for her many shortcomings? I have, and it saddens me. While I have to admit that we haven't been the perfect example of Christ's love over the centuries, we are those who Christ loved and gave Himself for (Eph. 5:25).

Too often we expect perfection from those who are mere sinners, saved from eternal wrath by the blood of a loving Savior. We nitpick every fault and claim her to be totally ineffective for Christ. This isn't our calling, nor our purpose! God created us to rely on one another though Him, to strengthen each other and to make up for each other's weaknesses. We are precious to God, not only as individuals but also as a whole. How dare we be so arrogant as to call what has been made clean by the blood of Christ something filthy or something to be ashamed of?

The truth is, we're all filthy, stained, and wretched. It is Jesus who makes the difference. I love my Savior, and I therefore pledge myself to love His body, His bride. I love the people of God, and I'm sorry to say I've been one of those who mocked and ridiculed the Church. She may not be perfect, but she is loved by Christ. That is all I need to know.

My Not-So-Secret Identity

After running into an old friend from high school this evening, I've realized what a different person I've become in four short years. I'm not sharing this for my own glorification. Any positive change that has taken place in this small life can only be attributed to my Savior and His work in my heart. I think it took me a long time to discover "the meaning of life" as well as how to live with that purpose in mind, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'll never forget the inexplicable depression I felt each morning as I trudged up the stairs and made my way to my first period English class, even though it feels like another lifetime. Sometimes I'd lay my head on my desk and let a few tears slip for no reason at all. I drew strange doodles and wrote depressing poems to alleviate my pain. It all seems so silly now, but still so real.

The worst time of all was my choir's annual Coast Trip. Ordinarily, it was something that I looked forward to all school year. My senior year was different. I dreaded it completely. I had two or three friends in particular who always had a knack for dressing and acting the right way to get every guy's attention. Me? Not so much. They offered to fix my hair and do my makeup. I always felt like it was out of pity. I had very short, unbecoming hair, I dressed mostly in black, and I was a tad chubby. My worst fears were confirmed one night as three of us were boarding together for the evening. My friends were discussing different kissing methods. Before that, I hadn't even realized that there might be more than one way to do it. As I was beginning to doze off, I heard one of them say,"Poor Kim. She doesn't even know what it's like to be kissed." That hurt, at the time. In hindsight, the whole thing is pretty laughable considering the fact that neither of them married the boyfriends that they were discussing. Right then, it didn't matter. I only knew that I was completely undesirable and that my friends literally felt sorry for me.

A little over a year later, I spent the greatest summer of my life in a very different place. I began to read the bible for myself-- not just to read it, but to hunger for it. It was exciting, epic even! I also read a book by John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life) that opened my eyes for the first time as to what my purpose for living might be. All the time I had been struggling with my lack of identity. I longed for something, some unknown part of me to be discovered, to make me beautiful. I wanted to feel that sense of being important and irreplaceable to someone. I was just beginning to catch the first glimpses of that in Christ, as I revealed in a song I wrote at that summer camp, a song I simply named, "Satisfy"

I lift my heart, I raise these hands
To worship You, to worship only You
There's nothing else 'cause no other love
Compares to the one you poured out on us

Only You, only You, Jesus
Only You can satisfy
Only You, only You, Jesus
Only You can satisfy

So take my heart and take these hands
I'll worship You, I'll worship only You
There's nothing else 'cause no other love
Compares to the One you gave on the cross

It was simple and to the point. Even so, I had (and still have) a lot to learn. Fast forward a year, and I've just ended the worst relationship I could have imagined. The "boyfriend" I thought might soothe the lack of love I felt cheated on me, and I felt more worthless and hopeless than I could have ever imagined. I had never realized why girls cried when they broke up with guys. I always rolled my eyes and thought, "Get over it." Time passed, yet the whole ugliness of it wouldn't go away. Not for a long while, anyway. Slowly, gradually, I began to get it. I began to surrender. Over a year later, my prayer became, "Not my will, but Yours be done."

When I prayed that prayer in a new place, both literally and figuratively, I never imagined that I'd be engaged  to the most wonderful young man I'd ever met a year and a half later. I never imagined that God had something good and beautiful in store. He had a plan for wholeness. You see, I had literally given up to the point of deciding to become a missionary and remain single, not because I felt undesirable, but because I didn't want those things anymore. The "love" I had received was superficial, weak, and conditional. I knew that God's love wasn't any of those things.

When I see myself now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm far, very far from perfect. I'm a broken human being, just like the rest, yet God has done something miraculous. He took away the confusion. My identity, the one I searched so hard for and never really found, had to die. I'm no longer Kimberly Cordell. I'm a daughter of the Most High God! He loves me, and He knew I'd be satisfied only when His purpose for my life became something I understood, longed for, and fought for. I was born to proclaim His greatness! In doing so, He gave me a new mind, new desires, and a new self. I'm not my own, because He died for me. My life has been hidden with Jesus.

Colossians 3:3
For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Living for the Glory of God

     This is something I wrote a few weeks ago with the intention of sharing it with the youth Sunday school class at my church. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to present the lesson. Interestingly enough, a spontaneous conversation started tonight at the youth group meeting, and my "lesson" suddenly seemed incredibly relevant. Here it is:

What is the one thing that excites you the most?

Do you read the Bible regularly? Why or why not?

What is our ultimate purpose?

Our purpose is to “glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” Isaiah 43:7

What does glorify mean?

To make God look as great as He really is with the way we live, act, speak, etc. 1 Corinthians 10:31, Psalm 72:19.

Why live my life for Christ when I can simply live for myself and do whatever makes me happy?

We were created to bring Him praise; therefore the only thing that truly satisfies and fulfills us is to live in right-standing with God. One act of disobedience was enough to separate us from Him forever and bring the wrath of God upon us.  Once we have trusted in Him for salvation, we automatically want to make Him happy! Jesus says in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” We obey Him when we love Him. If we don’t obey Him, we don’t really love Him and we don’t actually belong to Him. 1 John 2:3-4, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Ecclesiastes 12:13.

Why must God punish sin?

Because He is holy & just! Sin is breaking God’s perfect law. A just judge cannot simply pardon a crime (i.e. murder, theft, etc.). The law demands that the criminal be punished, just as the Law in the Old Testament demands that our offenses against God must be punished. The Old Testament Law (the Ten Commandments) was written to show us that we can never measure up to God’s standard on our own, therefore we need Jesus, God in the flesh, the only man who lived a sinless life, to take our sin upon Himself at the cross. This is what is known as atonement, the reconciliation of God and humankind through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ. Ephesians 2:1-10, Philippians 3:9-10, Romans 3:23, Ephesians 2:8-9, Matthew 5:17.

Therefore…

              When we understand how much we desperately need Jesus, all we have to do is trust in His atoning work on the cross on our behalf. When that happens and we begin to realize all He has done for us and how much it cost Him, how can we not want to live for Him? When someone does something kind for you, don’t you try to do everything you can to show your thanks, and to repay them by any means possible and to make them happy? (Not that we could ever repay Jesus for what He’s done for us!) This is why I have chosen to live for Christ! John 5:24.

              If you’re a believer already, you represent Jesus wherever you go and with whatever you do, so act like it! Don’t cause others to curse God because of your behavior. Instead, live in such a way as to bring honor to Him; cause others to want to have that same hope that lies within you. Let the light of Jesus shine in you, and let others see Him in you.

              You only have one short life to live, and the choices you make right now matter. Don’t waste what you have been given. When you come to the end of your life and you stand face-to-face with God, what’s going to really matter? Live for the glory of God!

My Calling

"The craziest thing happened to me this morning. When I opened my eyes, the first thought I had was literally from Isaiah 5:6-7, which talks about Isaiah being in the presence of God. He explains that he is 'a man of unclean lips,' then a seraphim touches a burning coal to his lips and tells him that his sin is atoned for.

Later this morning, I was sitting at Starbucks drinking a vanilla chai latte, reading Worship Matters by Bob Kauflin, when I stumbled across the page that you see pictured.

Finally, the message at church today centered around the church in Acts, particularly the passage about Philip and the Ethiopian eunuch, and Philip's willingness to answer God's call. The last slide on the projector was a quote from Isaiah 6:8. It simply said, "Here I Am. Send me!"

Is that crazy or what?"

--

"As if all of that craziness I posted earlier wasn't mind-boggling enough, I went to a completely different church tonight and we sang THIS:

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands
To the suffering and the lean
To the ones the world has cast aside
Where you want me I will be

I will go, I will go
I will go, Lord send me
To the world, To the lost

To the poor and hungry
Take everything I am
I'm clay within your hands
I will go, I will go, send me

Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to see the pain
Let the blessing You've poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change

I wanna live for you
Go where you lead me
I wanna follow you


-I Will Go by Starfield"

--

"I do believe I've just experienced the strongest, most blatantly obvious call to missions today.

So God, I know what You want. The question is where, how, and when.

Here I am. Send me."

----

If you're wondering what I'm posting here, this is something that happened to me on September 2nd of this year. You see, ever since I was an awkward junior higher sitting in my eighth grade class, I've had this deep, quiet, hidden desire to be a missionary. As I grew older and learned more about the Savior I was serving, that desire grew with me. I'm not sure what it's going to look like yet -- where I'm supposed to go, what I'll do, and for how long, but it's a genuine desire. What you see above are my facebook posts from that day.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act.

(Psalm 37:4-5 ESV)

All You Need Is...Love???

Valentine’s Day, more than any other day on my calendar, saddens me. No, it’s not because I’m single, lonely, or because I have no one to give me chocolate. What bothers me is our preoccupation with what our culture has defined as love, which is merely romance.

Before I go any further, please understand that this entry is intended for young, unmarried people—specifically in their teens and twenties.

Nowadays we define singleness as a negative thing. If you don’t have a special person to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, chances are you’re spending the day feeling miserable and lonely, and if you’re not, everyone else thinks you should be. As if that’s not bad enough, those who are “in relationships” (pardon my facebook terminology, but I’m referring to those who are in dating relationships with no real commitment or intention to eventually marry) tend to go about flaunting their “non-singleness” with those horrifying kissy-photos that makes us all feel a bit nauseous.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23

My point is that there is so much pressure to be in some sort of relationship from essentially every angle that sometimes we begin to wonder what’s wrong with us if we’re not. I cannot begin to express how very backwards this way of thinking is! Every day we’re bombarded with what looks like the perfect picture of romance via the movies we watch, the books we read, the music we listen to—in fact, you don’t even have to resort to the media for your daily smut intake. Simply walk on to your nearest high school or college campus and you’re bound to stumble across a couple making out in the hallway. Sometimes it’s enough to make me wish I was blind.


I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. Song of Solomon 8:4

What’s really sad is when I see this “singleness is evil” mindset take over in our youth groups. I’m not saying that a healthy relationship cannot/should not ever begin in such a setting, but I AM saying that the pressure, the flirtatiousness, the suggestive clothing is so, so, SO WRONG!!! Shouldn’t church be a place of refuge, a place to re-fuel spiritually so that we can be ready to face the trials and temptations of the world?

I remember going to winter camp with my youth group one year; one of the guys came for the sole purpose of getting some random girl’s phone number. You may not think that this example is really a bad thing, but look at the bigger picture. What good do these things do for you, let alone your brothers/sisters in Christ, assuming that you’re actually saved? If your goal is to take the focus off of Christ and to put it on yourself, go home. I’m not saying this to be harsh or unloving. I’m saying it to prevent you from hindering yourself and others in your walk with God. Don’t be a distraction!

Singleness is not as bad as the majority tends to think. Most people eventually end up getting married, so don’t live your life in pursuit of that one object. Be content where God has you right now, growing closer to Him daily. Use this unique time in your life to serve and glorify God to the best of your ability. Oh, there is so much more to life than the pursuit of Mr. or Mrs. Right! Do something to make your life count—to make your Savior look as great as He truly is! He loves you so much more than anyone else ever could. Let us not stand before Him one day, having nothing to account for but our pursuit of mere human love. Let God be your focal point, your greatest desire. No one should take your Savior's place in your heart!

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Although I have yet to experience it for myself, I do know that it will be so much more beautiful and satisfying if only I wait for the right person in God’s perfect timing, and if I can conduct myself in the way that most pleases my Savior in the mean time. After all, our star-breathing God has much better plans for us than we have for ourselves! I’m pretty sure He knows what He’s doing!