Father, Break My Heart

“Father, break my heart.”

     It seems like a strange thing to say. I’m not a person who delights in pain and suffering, but sometimes I find that I get caught up in my own agenda and wrapped up in my own efforts. This causes constant frustration and anxiety, and I hate it. You see, Jesus Christ is the sole reason I exist. Without Him—without His incredible grace in my life, I would have drowned long ago in my own miserable self-pity. I cannot function in this world without utter dependence upon Him, but sometimes I simply forget.

     My life and any pain I might experience may seem laughable to most. It’s true, I have never had to scrounge in a dumpster for a meal, I have always had a comfortable place to sleep and clothes on my back, and I haven’t lost anyone precious to me recently. Even so, there are times where I sink into such desperation and hurt that I simply cannot keep going. All motivation to do anything is stripped away, and I feel like just collapsing on the floor and never moving again. Proverbs 14:10 agrees, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.” These are the times that I need most to remind myself of the truth of my Savior’s love. In these times, I have experienced the deepest bitterness, but I have also known the sweetness of being broken before God. Sometimes, I have to cry out to Him and beg Him to take away my meaninglessness, because I just can’t do it on my own.

     No matter how hard I work, how hard I try to make my life have purpose through the things I do, I CAN’T. The sweetest prayers of desperation have come to me when my heart was at its hardest. One time after a particularly long dry season, I stood with the congregation at my church as we sang, “Lord, now indeed I find Thy power and Thine alone can change the leper’s spots and melt the heart of stone.” I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth, but the words “Lord, break my heart” echoed through my head as tears stained my cheeks. It’s easy to forget how dependent I am upon God for my every breath when I have more than I could ever want at my fingertips. Friends, I want to remind you (and myself) that we exist to bring glory to God. There is such glorious joy and truth in this statement! When we realize this, we can live in total satisfaction, knowing that we can praise God in every tiny thing we do in our everyday lives. Nothing is so trivial that it escapes His notice, and nothing is so insignificant that we cannot bring glory to God in it. Find your joy in Christ, and if you’re reading this, please remind me to do the same.