Last night, I had
the darkest dream. I won’t go in to specifics, but I dreamed of pain, death,
and horror. I woke with a racing heart and an anxious mind. Every single day
has been a roller coaster of emotion. One moment, I’m flying to the very peak
with a heart full of joy. Moments later, I come crashing down to the depths of
pain and despair. It’s a hard thing to explain, and harder to share publically
as I fear that my openness will be mistaken as a plea for pity. These past
three months have been the most difficult I’ve faced in my entire life. No matter how
hard I try, I cannot rid myself of the pain. Losing our child, uncertainty of
the future, and nearly constant financial distress have come together to form a
monstrous cloud of darkness that threatens to destroy me.
I’ve tried to let
go of my fear, I’ve tried to rid myself of bitterness, I’ve tried to let others
help me, I’ve tried to distract myself in the pursuit of the things I love
most, but the truth of it all continually gnaws at the back of my mind. All of
these things help tremendously at times, and not at all in others. It’s silly,
really. I cannot even give my anxieties to God without His help. My weak hands
are powerless to surrender my cares to the God who created everything from my
fragile human heart to the constellations and galaxies millions of miles away.
Sometimes, I
blame myself. I know that I did what I shouldn’t have, or that I didn’t do what
I should have. Surely God is punishing me for my sins. My friends, I cannot
begin to express how convincing this lie can be! I went to bed last night
believing this lie with all my heart. I hated myself completely. The darkness
would not relent, and I almost let it win.
When I woke from my dream, I wanted to cry.
I wanted to do something destructive to myself. Instead, in the quietness, the
Holy Spirit helped me to know exactly what I needed to do. I prayed. Fiercely.
I prayed until I fell asleep. Honestly, I don’t even know what I prayed.
Thankfully, I know that Jesus is at the right hand of the Father interceding
for me, praying for me in ways that I could never imagine, pleading with God to
give me the strength to keep going just a little longer.
This morning, I
woke with more joy than I’ve experienced for a long time. My heart soared to
the heights with the truths of the Gospel and the love of my Savior. I couldn’t
wait to sit down and dig into His life-giving Word. When I started, I couldn’t
stop. His Word is so sweet! I kept reading until my cup of coffee became cold as
it sat forlornly on the coffee table, waiting for me to drink it. When I
finally finished, I warmed it up in the microwave again and took a sip. My mom
called and talked to me for a while. I confessed to her how I had been feeling.
She prayed with me, pleading with God to sustain and encourage us in our
trials. After I hung up, I suddenly felt an aching desire to pull out my guitar
and sing. I cannot tell you how good it was to worship my God! I just couldn’t
stop. Forty-five minutes later when I finished, I realized that my coffee had
grown cold again. I had to heat it up once more, only to realize that I needed
to WRITE to tell you all about how GOOD our Savior is! As I’m writing this, I
can promise you that my poor cup of coffee has once again grown cold.
The coffee is a
lot like my heart. One minute, I’m on fire. I feel like I could rage and burn
with a passion to make Jesus known to everyone I meet. The next, I’ve grown
cold again as I’ve slipped away from my life giving heat source once more. I am
writing this to you today not to share my sorrows, but to share my joy. If I
can encourage you in anything, I ask you to draw near to your Savior (James
4:8). Life is unbelievably hard. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, run far
away from them. Our world is broken and pain, sorrow, and struggles are real.
If we do not lean on Jesus for strength to endure, we will fall into despair.
Cry out to Him! He’ll give just enough to keep going, to keep trusting Him. He
is good and His love is sweet (Psalm 34:8). This life is so short, but eternity
is forever. Truthfully, we can’t do this, but He can (Zech. 4:6).
Oh Lord, may I find rest in You!
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
2 Corinthians 4:6-11 ESV.
