I’m okay, but I’m less than an inch from not being okay at all. I
can’t bear another pregnancy announcement or baby bump photo on social media.
It’s no one’s fault that this happened to me, and it’s no one’s fault that they
get to be happy while I have to process through the grief and loss of my child.
God allowed me to lose my little one, but I still trust Him. He is good and He
is using this tragedy to draw me closer to Him. I have to remind myself of this
daily, but I’d be lying if I said that I’m not still struggling.
It has been less than six months, and the pain of losing my
baby comes and goes in waves. I feel fine, but not really. I hate to admit it,
but I hide almost every baby photo that pops up in my news feed on facebook because
it literally hurts inside my chest when I see those happy mamas with their
sweet babies. I want to be happy for them, but I can’t quite bring myself to
that point. Truthfully, I want to be pregnant more than anything, but instead I
just feel empty inside and irreparably broken. Maybe this is wrong and maybe I’m
just feeling sorry for myself, but I don’t know how to work though this without
being honest and up front about where I’m at.
For the most part, I feel normal, but I have to stay
distracted. I’m okay if I think about something else. Lately I’ve taken to
living in this strange dream world inside my mind, where I’m constantly
crafting stories and imagining scenarios that I could write in a novel one day –
scenarios that are very different from my own. I love the life God has given
me, and yet, sometimes I just don’t want to be me anymore. It may not be the
correct way to work through the pain, but it keeps me from dwelling in hopelessness.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I still haven’t
figured this out.
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