Let Light Shine Out Of Darkness

     Last night, I had the darkest dream. I won’t go in to specifics, but I dreamed of pain, death, and horror. I woke with a racing heart and an anxious mind. Every single day has been a roller coaster of emotion. One moment, I’m flying to the very peak with a heart full of joy. Moments later, I come crashing down to the depths of pain and despair. It’s a hard thing to explain, and harder to share publically as I fear that my openness will be mistaken as a plea for pity. These past three months have been the most difficult I’ve faced in my entire life. No matter how hard I try, I cannot rid myself of the pain. Losing our child, uncertainty of the future, and nearly constant financial distress have come together to form a monstrous cloud of darkness that threatens to destroy me.

     I’ve tried to let go of my fear, I’ve tried to rid myself of bitterness, I’ve tried to let others help me, I’ve tried to distract myself in the pursuit of the things I love most, but the truth of it all continually gnaws at the back of my mind. All of these things help tremendously at times, and not at all in others. It’s silly, really. I cannot even give my anxieties to God without His help. My weak hands are powerless to surrender my cares to the God who created everything from my fragile human heart to the constellations and galaxies millions of miles away.

     Sometimes, I blame myself. I know that I did what I shouldn’t have, or that I didn’t do what I should have. Surely God is punishing me for my sins. My friends, I cannot begin to express how convincing this lie can be! I went to bed last night believing this lie with all my heart. I hated myself completely. The darkness would not relent, and I almost let it win.

     When I woke from my dream, I wanted to cry. I wanted to do something destructive to myself. Instead, in the quietness, the Holy Spirit helped me to know exactly what I needed to do. I prayed. Fiercely. I prayed until I fell asleep. Honestly, I don’t even know what I prayed. Thankfully, I know that Jesus is at the right hand of the Father interceding for me, praying for me in ways that I could never imagine, pleading with God to give me the strength to keep going just a little longer.

     This morning, I woke with more joy than I’ve experienced for a long time. My heart soared to the heights with the truths of the Gospel and the love of my Savior. I couldn’t wait to sit down and dig into His life-giving Word. When I started, I couldn’t stop. His Word is so sweet! I kept reading until my cup of coffee became cold as it sat forlornly on the coffee table, waiting for me to drink it. When I finally finished, I warmed it up in the microwave again and took a sip. My mom called and talked to me for a while. I confessed to her how I had been feeling. She prayed with me, pleading with God to sustain and encourage us in our trials. After I hung up, I suddenly felt an aching desire to pull out my guitar and sing. I cannot tell you how good it was to worship my God! I just couldn’t stop. Forty-five minutes later when I finished, I realized that my coffee had grown cold again. I had to heat it up once more, only to realize that I needed to WRITE to tell you all about how GOOD our Savior is! As I’m writing this, I can promise you that my poor cup of coffee has once again grown cold.

     The coffee is a lot like my heart. One minute, I’m on fire. I feel like I could rage and burn with a passion to make Jesus known to everyone I meet. The next, I’ve grown cold again as I’ve slipped away from my life giving heat source once more. I am writing this to you today not to share my sorrows, but to share my joy. If I can encourage you in anything, I ask you to draw near to your Savior (James 4:8). Life is unbelievably hard. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, run far away from them. Our world is broken and pain, sorrow, and struggles are real. If we do not lean on Jesus for strength to endure, we will fall into despair. Cry out to Him! He’ll give just enough to keep going, to keep trusting Him. He is good and His love is sweet (Psalm 34:8). This life is so short, but eternity is forever. Truthfully, we can’t do this, but He can (Zech. 4:6).

Oh Lord, may I find rest in You!

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:6-11 ESV.

Those Who Have Walked in Darkness Have Seen a Great Light

   
 Two months have passed and I already feel like it’s not okay to cry anymore. I’m not allowed to talk about it.

     This last September, my precious baby went home to be with Jesus. The time has passed slowly since. Every day, I struggle to push the pain aside and continue on with my life. My heart aches to hold the little person I know I’ll never meet this side of heaven. I want so badly to know who he or she was. That tiny human being, just barely the size of a pecan, already had a unique identity. I’ll never get to see that little person bloom into the person he or she was created to be. I wish I could look down and see the little bulge in my tummy that ought to be showing by now, but it’s not there.

     I don’t understand why, but it feels as though my hurt is supposed to magically be gone. No one has really said it, but I know people get tired of hearing about it. Miscarriages happen all the time, after all.

     I’m tired of acting like I’m perfectly happy when I see other women at church affectionately rubbing their baby bumps. I’m so sick of pregnancy announcements on social media. Sometimes, I want to scream at people, “Just stop! It HURTS.” I wish I could turn off the ache in my heart, but it just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes I’m angry at the world. Sometimes I question God in His infinite wisdom. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Questions and accusations continually fight for my joy and try to rob the assurance I have in a loving Savior.

     There is one thing that I do know. God is good, and He is sovereign over everything. Yes, He let this happen. Bad things happen not because our God is cruel or unjust, but because we live in a broken, fallen world in which senseless death occurs. Inside, I have a heart that is twisted and bent toward evil. No, I didn’t do some great evil to bring God’s wrath and punishment upon my baby, but I am a part of the brokenness of this world. I do know that God has used this suffering to draw me to Himself, and His grace on me is more than I’ll ever comprehend. That He could die for me, knowing that I could still question His love for me is more than I can fathom.

     I could have never known the awesome, real embrace of my Heavenly Father so intimately if I had continued to live in my self-serving blissful existence. He has extended a raw, intense love through His people and through His Word that I would have never felt in any other way. I still don’t know why this happened, but I know that through it, God has brought me into a unique place that I would have never known otherwise. There is no guarantee that this won’t happen again, but I trust Him. No matter what happens, no matter how dark the days become, my hope is in God.

Father, Break My Heart

“Father, break my heart.”

     It seems like a strange thing to say. I’m not a person who delights in pain and suffering, but sometimes I find that I get caught up in my own agenda and wrapped up in my own efforts. This causes constant frustration and anxiety, and I hate it. You see, Jesus Christ is the sole reason I exist. Without Him—without His incredible grace in my life, I would have drowned long ago in my own miserable self-pity. I cannot function in this world without utter dependence upon Him, but sometimes I simply forget.

     My life and any pain I might experience may seem laughable to most. It’s true, I have never had to scrounge in a dumpster for a meal, I have always had a comfortable place to sleep and clothes on my back, and I haven’t lost anyone precious to me recently. Even so, there are times where I sink into such desperation and hurt that I simply cannot keep going. All motivation to do anything is stripped away, and I feel like just collapsing on the floor and never moving again. Proverbs 14:10 agrees, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.” These are the times that I need most to remind myself of the truth of my Savior’s love. In these times, I have experienced the deepest bitterness, but I have also known the sweetness of being broken before God. Sometimes, I have to cry out to Him and beg Him to take away my meaninglessness, because I just can’t do it on my own.

     No matter how hard I work, how hard I try to make my life have purpose through the things I do, I CAN’T. The sweetest prayers of desperation have come to me when my heart was at its hardest. One time after a particularly long dry season, I stood with the congregation at my church as we sang, “Lord, now indeed I find Thy power and Thine alone can change the leper’s spots and melt the heart of stone.” I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth, but the words “Lord, break my heart” echoed through my head as tears stained my cheeks. It’s easy to forget how dependent I am upon God for my every breath when I have more than I could ever want at my fingertips. Friends, I want to remind you (and myself) that we exist to bring glory to God. There is such glorious joy and truth in this statement! When we realize this, we can live in total satisfaction, knowing that we can praise God in every tiny thing we do in our everyday lives. Nothing is so trivial that it escapes His notice, and nothing is so insignificant that we cannot bring glory to God in it. Find your joy in Christ, and if you’re reading this, please remind me to do the same.