Two months have passed and I already feel like it’s not okay to cry anymore. I’m not allowed to talk about it.
This last
September, my precious baby went home to be with Jesus. The time has passed
slowly since. Every day, I struggle to push the pain aside and continue on with
my life. My heart aches to hold the little person I know I’ll never meet this
side of heaven. I want so badly to know who he or she was. That tiny human
being, just barely the size of a pecan, already had a unique identity. I’ll
never get to see that little person bloom into the person he or she was created
to be. I wish I could look down and see the little bulge in my tummy that ought
to be showing by now, but it’s not there.
I don’t
understand why, but it feels as though my hurt is supposed to magically be
gone. No one has really said it, but I know people get tired of hearing about
it. Miscarriages happen all the time, after all.
I’m tired of
acting like I’m perfectly happy when I see other women at church affectionately
rubbing their baby bumps. I’m so sick of pregnancy announcements on social
media. Sometimes, I want to scream at people, “Just stop! It HURTS.” I wish I
could turn off the ache in my heart, but it just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes
I’m angry at the world. Sometimes I question God in His infinite wisdom. Why
did this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong? Questions and accusations
continually fight for my joy and try to rob the assurance I have in a loving
Savior.
There is one thing
that I do know. God is good, and He is sovereign over everything. Yes, He let
this happen. Bad things happen not because our God is cruel or unjust, but
because we live in a broken, fallen world in which senseless death occurs. Inside,
I have a heart that is twisted and bent toward evil. No, I didn’t do some great
evil to bring God’s wrath and punishment upon my baby, but I am a part of the
brokenness of this world. I do know that God has used this suffering to draw me
to Himself, and His grace on me is more than I’ll ever comprehend. That He
could die for me, knowing that I could still question His love for me is more
than I can fathom.
I could have never known the awesome, real
embrace of my Heavenly Father so intimately if I had continued to live in my
self-serving blissful existence. He has extended a raw, intense love through
His people and through His Word that I would have never felt in any other way.
I still don’t know why this happened, but I know that through it, God has
brought me into a unique place that I would have never known otherwise. There
is no guarantee that this won’t happen again, but I trust Him. No matter what
happens, no matter how dark the days become, my hope is in God.
