Conquering My Greatest Fear

When I was a little girl, I was fearless. I loved to sing, even on stage. I never felt nervous, never gave a second thought toward self-consciousness. No one criticized me or mocked my voice. I never lacked confidence. In elementary, I would spend an entire recess singing every song I could think of on the playground. One time another little girl asked me if I was going to be a singer when I grew up. I don't think I realized how much music was a part of me.

One day (I'm still not quite sure when), something changed and I snapped like a broken twig. Criticism. It was some time between my barbie and boyband phases. I was singing along to my favorite CD when my friend turned to me, gave me a weird look, and said, "You sing funny." A few months later another friend told me nearly the same thing. Insecurity consumed me in an instant, bottling up and sealing my singing voice somewhere deep inside for the next few years. I stopped singing in church. I would stand with everyone else but my lips remained motionless. I refused to hum a single note for my friends or family. Music was dead in my lungs.

Fast forward a few years... at age eleven I decided I wanted to play guitar, so I received a cheap acoustic Yamaha for Christmas. It sat in my room collecting dust for the next year until my parents agreed to let me have guitar lessons. With every new worship song I learned, a desire grew to sing again. I started mouthing the words to worship songs in church, but I still refused to sing out loud. Finally my voice came out. Very quietly, I sang "Blessed Be Your Name" in my room with the door shut, hoping that no one would hear me.

Eight months later I became the worship leader for my youth group--the worship leader who refused to sing. The first year or so was disastrous. I wasn't good and I knew it. I made others sing for me while I "led" with my guitar. Over time, I pushed my voice to sing more and more, harder and louder, but it wasn't easy. Constant criticisms and comparisons to the previous worship leader knocked me down repeatedly. I was obsessed with others' opinions of me. I thought I had to live up to their expectations because if I didn't, I was a failure vocally.

The Lord provided me with multiple opportunities to serve Him through music. In high school I played occasionally for chapel services at my school, but I would never sing into the microphone and I would never play alone. Still, I had to sing, even though my voice was quiet. The older I became, the more the lyrics I sang came alive to me--they meant everything to me!

The summer after high school I worked at a Christian camp several miles from home. I grew closer to the Lord than I had ever been before in my life that summer. It was there that my voice crept out of hiding. I spent hours after work sitting on the sandy beach, worshiping without shame. No one could keep me from singing to my Savior!

To this day I struggle with hearing the sound of my own voice lifted up in song. Whenever someone comes along with a better singing voice than me, my insecurity comes back in full force. For every compliment I'm given in regards to my singing, I receive two criticisms--one from friends or acquaintances and one from myself. Sometimes I wish I knew the truth. Is my singing really that awful? I've almost given up more times than I can count. I doubt every compliment as well as the unmistakable calling to music I felt so strongly in eighth grade.

This is my struggle, and though I don't understand it, I can't be silent. My Savior must be praised! My soul must sing! I know my voice is weak, but how can I keep it in when when the music is bursting forth from my heart?!!

My question is this: Is it really necessary to tear someone down and cause them permanent grief in the name of keeping them humble? Is this really our job? The words we say have a profound effect on people. If we feel the need to set others straight, shouldn't we, after prayerful consideration, take our brother aside without pride and arrogance, and lovingly explain the truth with tears in our eyes instead of smug expressions on our faces? Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that we should puff one another up with flattery and falsehood.

Maybe my story is pathetic and meaningless to you. Maybe you wonder why I don't just get over it and quit worrying about man's opinion. As I mentioned earlier, this is my struggle--this is what I deal with on a daily basis. I didn't write this entry to acquire anyone's pity or to receive compliments. I wrote it to cause readers to consider their words and the effect they have on others.

After all, my greatest fear is that all the criticism might be true...

The Lost Arts of True Love and Friendship

     Friends are a rare find these days, real friends that is. It seems to me like loyalty is a thing of the past, faithfulness is long forgotten, and selflessness is unheard of. I’ve heard it said many times that in order to have friends, one has to be a friend. In other words it takes effort on both sides. It means placing a friend’s wants and needs above our own. It means listening to a friend even when we think what we have to say is more significant. When they argue, we have to stop demanding that we’re right, even when we know we are. Of course there are exceptions, but generally those who make the effort to be the best friends HAVE the best friends.

     I don’t understand what it is today that makes people (particularly girls) throw their closest friends under the bus for the sake of their own selfish ambitions, be it the fleeting attention from someone of the opposite sex or what have you. What ever happened to integrity, which is simply doing the right thing whether anyone else is there to watch—stopping gossip in it’s tracks in order to protect a friend’s reputation? Even if someone isn’t our friend, can’t we still be a friend to them, or has love already died in our hearts? Love isn’t simply a touchy feely thing we feel toward those who do nice things for us. Rather it’s a conscious decision to put someone else before ourselves, no matter how much they don’t deserve it. Not only is it unconditional, but it isn’t always nice. Love means letting someone know when they’re falling. Does anyone believe in that anymore? True love?

     Another thing I don’t understand, though I’ll admit I’m very much guilty of it myself, is why [we] girls go around talking behind each other’s backs, living lives of jealousy and dissention and hating each other, yet being honey-sweet to each other’s faces. It’s disgusting. Why can’t we, adults included, grow up and get over ourselves? Literally.

     Jesus said that there is no greater love than a man giving up his life for a friend, but who would actually do that? Not me. Do we even have that capacity to love? Do we understand that love isn’t simply being nice to someone? It is so much deeper than mere kindness.

     What would happen if we loved? What would happen if we treated someone the way they don’t deserve to be treated—with love and compassion? How much more would the world around us be affected?

List of Grievances

I think it's about time I start ranting and raving about all the things that frustrate me in life. To make this more interesting, I'll put it in list format:

1) Having to pee while on the computer. Seriously, I HATE tearing myself away from the screen for something that insignificant.

2) Facebook. I. Hate. Facebook. Waste of time, waste of life, waste of...face.

3) People who whine about their stupid relationships. Nobody cares if Pete is going out with Katie now because she smells better than you.

4) My ever-deteriorating grammar skills. Was that even grammatically correct? *dies slowly*

5) An internet connection that shuts off promptly at 10:15 every night. Sometimes I get REALLY lucky when it decides to shut off even EARLIER.

6) The smell of fish.

7) People who do what I'm doing right now...griping about the things in life that irritate them.

8) Realizing that I'm a very un-motivated individual [musically, scholastically, etc.] and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

9) Boys. Not men, but boys. Boys who are 18 and up.

10) I think I'll add girls too while I'm at it. See above definition.

11) People who have infatuations with unattractive individuals based solely on the fact that these individuals are famous and/or popular (For example, Robert Pattinson).

12) Pterodactyls.

13) Pasta.

14) Shaving cream. Why? Because it never stops coming out of the stupid can!!! That and I can never afford it so I always have to use a stupid bar of stupid soap for my stupid legs and usually I end up cutting myself with the stupid razor because of my lack of stupid shaving cream.

15) Fingernails.

16) Being obsessively organized, then realizing that most people don't feel the same passion towards organization that I feel.

17) People who hate haters. These people do realize that by hating haters they hate as well and therefore become haters themselves, right? Which in turn makes them into a bunch of hating hater haters. I think that's doubly heinous.

18) The disappearance of the terms "doy", "duh" and "durr". Weren't they the coolest phrases ever in 1998?

19) People who get angry because someone is angry at them. What does that even mean? "I'm so mad at him!" "Why?" "Because he's mad at me!"

20) The tendency of chocolate to melt.

I think that just about covers it.

Pride

Wow, it's been quite a while. Rantin' time!

          This one is going to be a little harsher than the last, mainly because of what I have witnessed so much of lately. So what is it that I have noticed lately? Pride, arrogance, and self ambition...so basically, pride.

I am absolutely fed up with the pride and arrogance of man – not only that of unsaved man, but of the trend in attitude I see within groups of believers. My insignificant words are powerless against such fortified walls of pride, yet I still feel the need to write, no matter how few people will ever bother to read my blog.

 The selfish ambition of us all makes me reel in disgust. How much more do you think God is disgusted with our behavior!

Nothing seems to matter outside of our own comfortable little worlds. Do we ever bother to look outside of ourselves to see the needs of others? Ourselves, our own agendas, and our concerns—this is all that matters to us. Pride in our own goals and accomplishments consumes us. We see what "wonderful" people we are, we are amazed at our own knowledge, we are in awe of ourselves, thus the terrible monster of pride creeps up on us before we realize it.

Wake up, people! People out there are suffering, dying, and going to hell because of your lack of concern. As long as you and your family are comfortable, the world is alright, right? Wrong! Your brothers and sisters in Christ might be suffering right in front of you, and all you can do is turn your nose up at them and wonder why they don’t just pull themselves together and get over it. Guess what? They’re not the ones with the problem!

Pay attention to your brothers in Christ! Go talk to the person who no one else will talk to! Go out of your way to show your concern for others! Love the unlovely, the poor, and the sinners! That’s what Jesus did.

Not once does the Bible speak well of pride! God hates pride!!!

• The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. (Proverbs 8:13)
• Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. (Psalm 31:23)
• One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. (Proverbs 29:23)
• But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)

Please don't think that I'm trying to point my finger at any specific person. The issue is in the heart of all man. I struggle with this myself. I am merely writing about it because I see it as a growing problem in the church today. Examine your own heart.

WHAT? The World DOESN'T Revolve Around Me?!!

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed the presence of an "it's all about me, everyone stare at me...NOW!!!" attitude lately? Every time I walk into a store, every time I wait in line, and even every time I look for a parking spot, I see the prevalence of this mindset saturating our culture to its very core. The worst part of all is that I see it in myself. It's a little thing I like to call selfishness. Yes, that's right; I am selfish. In fact, you're selfish. Ouch! Kind of hurts, doesn't it? Why yes, it does.


If you don't believe me, picture your reaction the last time someone raced ahead of you to get in line at the grocery store. Still think you're not selfish? Try to count how many times you've turned the conversation back onto yourself, how many times per day you use the word I, or how often you consider what you want or "need." What is the prevailing theme of your myspace or facebook profile? How many times have you demanded your way, whether it be with your family or in a relationship? Get this, even the way you dress, which demands certain kinds of attention from the opposite sex is selfishness. Flirting with someone who is not your spouse is selfishness! Getting warmer? Don't you see? We are all self centered, self saturated people, and worst of all, we're okay with that!


So how did we get this way? How did I get this way? Other than having it beaten into us with tv commercials screaming, "you're worth it!" and song lyrics loudly proclaiming that we should do whatever pleases ourselves, it's built into us from the day of our birth. Am I calling innocent children who "don't know any better yet" selfish?!! Yep. How many times have you heard this line: "But mommy! I want it!" It's called a sin nature. We're all guilty of this, no exceptions. "But you don't know all the awesome, selfless things I do to  help people!" You know what? I don't care. If by some miracle you're not selfish, you're the only person I've ever met (...or never met) that isn't. Congratulations, you get a gold star.


Alright, I'm selfish, so what do I do to fix this problem? The Bible tells us in Romans 12:3, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned." (ESV) My advice? Serve! Get your hands busy helping others; share the gospel and get your mind off of yourself! Stop living for yourself!


"You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For You created all things, and they exist because You created what You pleased." (Revelation 4:11 NLT)  We weren't created to please ourselves. Jesus didn't die merely to save you and I from Hell. He also died to glorify the Father! We were created to praise and give honor to Him! We weren't created for us, we were created for God. Fulfill your purpose and do His will. Preach the Gospel, boast only in the cross, glorify the Lord, live for Him!